WWE Revealed June Edition
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: The Superstars and Diva's have their own private newspaper... Wonder what's in it? Join 'Taker as he reads it.
1. Ken's done

**A/N:** ... I can't not write. It's like... Ehm, how do you say that? Unnatural for me.  
Wow.

For those that never read 101 WWE-ficlets; It's like a secret newspaper, only the WWE-superstars and diva's get to read it.  
Might be a three-shot. (Is that even a word?)

* * *

Ken stared at his desk. There was a newspaper on it, and Ken looked quite content with its contents.  
"Chaos, panic and disaster." He mumbled to the piece of paper. "As soon as everyone reads this my work here will be done."

There was a knock on the door and Ken looked up in anticipation of his first victim.  
"Yesss?" He yelled.

Rey stepped in, looking very Rey. "Hey," he said. "are they finished?"  
Ken nodded and pointed at the pile of papers next to his desk. "I'd say hand 'em out." He said to Rey.  
Rey smiled happily and took off with the pile of papers while yelling "WWE Revealed June edition, get one while it's still June!".

Several superstars and diva's took a paper from the pile and took off, to read the thing in silence and solitude. You never knew what could be in it, and nobody wanted to be amongst others if they read something embarrassing about themselves they'd rather have kept a secret.

The Phenom walked by and silently grabbed a paper off the pile, and disappeared into a closet.  
"Damnit, get out." He said when he encountered Kane in the closet.  
"I can't, I'm not ready to get out of the closet yet." Kane said smirking.  
"Shut up." The Phenom opened the closetdoor, grabbed Kane and Chokeslammed him out of the closet.

"Time for myself." He said, while scanning the headlines and starting to read.

_'In the closet, out the closet._

_About three days ago we saw Kane disappear into a closet. Nobody knew what had gotten into him, but one of my, __very reliable, sources has told me Kane is struggling with his identity. Or, as Kozlov said, he doesn't know how to be Glen anymore.  
I myself think the problem isn't that complicated at all, I think I know why our Big Red Monster moved in with a __couple of brooms... He's gay!  
I decided to interview him to see if my expectations were true, and I'm very positive I'm actually right this time. The __Big Red Machine will very soon become The Big Pink Machine.  
In my interview with him I asked him who he considered the best-looking superstar at the moment. His answer, __slightly hard to understand because there was a door between us, was "Regal.".  
I'm not surprised, despite the fact I never have a clue what Regal is talking about, he does have something... And I __don't mean the lady who accompanies him these days.  
I also asked him if he thought he would ever be able to come out of the closet, and come clean with his secret __identity. He answered pretty quickly, but I didn't know what he said.  
"I sneezed, this closet is dusty." Kane replied after I begged him pardon. "And yes, I do."  
"Then when will you come out?"  
"Well..." He answered, "As soon as Regal admits he feels the same."  
A little later I went to see William, and asked him if he felt the same. Regal's answer was quite short, and strong __aswell.  
"Shut up you fool, don't be such an idiot!"  
I, and Kane, will take that as a 'no'.  
This is all I know at this moment, but I promise, once I get more information considering the whole 'The Big Pink __Machine'-story, you'll be the first to know!  
-Ken Kennedy Kennedy.'_

"Hmpf, all he needed was a little push to come out of this damn closet." The Undertaker mumbled. "I'm too good for my little brother these days."

_'At last, he speaks._

_It has happened, the day has come. No, scratch that, the day has even passed already!  
The Great Khali, also known as the Punjabi Giant, has spoken! And not only has he spoken, he has spoken in english, s__o for once I actually knew what he was talking about.  
I encountered him earlier this week at the mall, where he was teaching children how to beat up translators.  
When he spotted me he turned around and said, "I hail from Green Bay Wisconsinnnnnnn.".  
I decided to ask him why he never told me that, and why I never saw him there before... I mean, he isn't that hard __to miss, now is he?  
"Kennedyyyyyy!" Was his answer to that question, and then it hit me.  
He had no idea what he was talking about.  
But still, the Great Khali has spoken words I understood, and I'm very proud of him for that... Even though I will have __to kill him now.  
Nobody yells 'Kennedy' in the middle of a mall but myself.  
-Ken Kennedy Kennedy.'_

'Taker smirked. "I wonder if there's footage of that on YouNoob."

_'Not -that- cold._

_Stone Cold Steve Austin. His name suggests he is a cold man. A cold, and very rocky man named Steve.  
I know this is besides the point, but who names their son Steve? I think Kenneth sounds much better, at least if I __ever fail as a wrestler, I can join the Muppet-show and form a duo with Kermit.  
I already have a title for our first show; 'Kenneth and Kermit Kill Kane Quietly'. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?  
Now for the story... Steve was trying out a new entrance, with different pyrotechnics and music.  
He came up looking very bold and bald, and he did a little dance on his way to the ring. Everyone was watching __Steve as he showed off his latest dancemoves.  
Sad thing though was, Steve forgot about the fireworks. So when he danced in one place a little too long, he was __set on fire by fireworks that went off a bit too early.  
Steve actually started to burn, and MVP asked me if he was practising for an Inferno-match. I said no and jumped __over the announce-table I was sitting behind, and ran up to Steve, who was still burning.  
I shoved my taperecorder up his nose and asked him how this was possible, since he was supposed to be -cold-.  
"Nrrrggggh... Gaaaaaaahhhh..." Was his strange reply to this.  
I suggested he'd buy himself a dictionary and study for a while, even Kozlov has smarter replies.  
But really, Steve... You're not -that- cold, so stop pretending and join me for a beer or two later on.  
-Ken Kennedy Kennedy.'_

"So that was Steve I smelled! I thought someone was eating chicken!" 'Taker yelled.  
"You wanna say that to my face, asshole?" Austin yelled from the other side of the door.  
'Taker opened the door and stared at Austin, who immediately took a step back, right into Kane.  
He turned around and came face to face with, quite an angry looking, Big Pink Machine. "Move." Kane said to Austin.  
Austin, not a tiny man himself, was slightly intimidated and ran off.

"Get outta ma closet dude." Kane mumbled to The Phenom.  
"Make me..." 'Taker replied.

After a little fight, that by the way was won by the Undertaker, Kane went away to search for a new closet, and 'Taker returned to his own.  
"Kids these days." Rey heard him mumble before he closed the door again.

* * *

Hmmm, that was 1/3. I'm tired, will write more later, like in a few days.


	2. Weather, secrets and a strange interview

* * *

Thanks for reviewing, adding, etcetera. Those who read ╢This is Goodbye╢ also thanks for reviewing and adding there.  
I feel like writing more hurt/comfort fics, I'm slightly tired of funnyness. Lmao.  
_So message me if you have a suggestion, will give you credit._

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the WWE-superstars/Diva's. Thank God, because they wouldn't fit in my house anyway.  
**Inspired by:** Nothing. Freezing my ass off. Hehehe assassin.  
R&R pwetty pwease

* * *

_'Weather.  
By; Kozlov.  
Yes! It was raining last night, and I bet it will rain again someday!  
If not, something must be really wrong!  
Depending on where you are you can expect this:  
Rain, snow, thunderstorms, sun, cloudyness, tornadoes, hail and hurricane's.  
It will be either freezing, chilly, warm of way too hot outside.'  
_

"Wooow..." 'Taker mumbled to the broom across from him. "Kozlov's right, there really was a thunderstorm!"

_'Recently found out:  
(Secrets found out by Private Investigator Finlay)  
**x** Shawn has admitted he is pansexual. We suggest you buy him a fryingpan for his birthday.  
**x** Carlito is related to apples, we have confirmed his great-grandmother was a red apple.  
**x** 'Taker wasn't born in hell. He was born in heaven, but ended up in hell because he tripped over an angel and fell down. There were no carebears to catch him.  
**x** Beth actually is a phoenix. We saw her turn into the fiery bird a few days ago, and she set everything on fire. Kane 's comment on this: "It was Beth, stop blaming me for the damn flames of destruction!"  
**x** THERE IS NO EASTERBUNNY! Rey refuses to believe this, so maybe putting it in the paper will make him realise he has been fooled all along.  
-Finlay'  
_

'Taker grunted and sighed. "I am evil, there were no carebears to catch me because I ate them all."

_'Important notice:  
In the previous issue we said we would try and infiltrate and exterminate Triple H's brain.  
We tried, but on closer inspection we realised he doesn't have one.  
So... Keep avoiding the Game!  
-Ken Kennedy Kennedy'  
_

"The Game has no brain." 'Taker shook his head. "And it took them this long to find out?!"

_**'-New New New New New-**  
From now on we will publish an interview in every edition of WWE Revealed.  
This month's interviewee: Ken Kennedy Kennedy.  
**(Interview by: Finlay.)**_

_Question #1: Where are you from?  
Ken: "I hail from Green Bay, Wisconsinnnnnnn..."_

_Question #2: Are you single?  
Ken: "Do I look single to you? I am Mr. Kennedy! I'm never single."_

_Question #3: What's your favorite song?  
Ken: "Chicken Farm by Dead Kennedys."_

_Question #4: Does this song have a special meaning to you?  
Ken: "Of course, the bandmembers are people named Kennedy, and they're dead. The more Kennedy's die, the better, because I don't want too many people to be able to yell 'Misteeeeerrrrr KENNEDY!"_

_Question #5: Have you ever snooped in somebody else's medicine cabinet?  
Ken: "Of course, I'm Mr. Kennedy, I own the damn paper, and in order to find out about people's secrets I have to look everywhere!_

_Question #6: Found something interesting?  
Ken: "Yep, I found cocaine in CM Punk's. So much for straightedge._

_Question #7: Have you ever tried to play a record backwards to search for hidden messages?  
Ken: "Yep, I want to know everything._

_Question #8: Really? Did you find any?  
Ken: "No."_

_Question #9: Have you ever tried to check if the light is still on when the fridge door is closed?  
Ken: "Yep. And the light goes out, I know because one time Melina locked me up in one."_

_Question #10: Do you have an unreasonable fear of Aliens?  
Ken: "Yes, but I have a way of keeping them from killing me! I always carry a cellphone with me."_

_Question #11: A cellphone? Why?  
Ken: "You know, in case they want to 'phone home'."_

_Question #12: Do you avoid walking under ladders?  
Ken: "Only during a ladder-match."_

_Question #13: Have you ever opened the back of your television to let all the little people out?  
Ken: "No... But I know Rey has."_

_Question #14: Have you ever tried to fly?  
Ken: "Only during a ladder-match."_

_Question #15: Have you ever had secret desires to be a weather man?  
Ken: "You mean like Kozlov?"_

_Question #16: Do you hear people calling your name on the background of certain records?  
Ken: "Never heard 'Turn up the trouble'?"_

_Question #17: Are you obsessed with death?  
Ken: "I can't stand the Undertaker."_

_Question #18: When talking to someone with the same name as you, do you sometimes get confused as to which one you are?  
Ken: "I don't talk to them, I have them killed. I'd like to refer to my answer on question 4."_

_Question #19: Do you ever change subjects in the middle of a sentence?  
Ken: "No, not really, at least I never tried to make a bomb with Regal attached to it."_

_Question #20: Do you have anything to add to this interview?  
Ken: "Obviously... I hail, from Green Bay, Wisconsinnnnnn... Misteeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr... KENNEDYYYYY! Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... KENNEDYYYYY"  
- Finlay/Ken.'_

Undertaker sighed and rubbed the back of his head. He knew Ken was able to give people headaches because of his big mouth, but getting a headache just by reading about the loudmouth?  
You had to be very skilled to do that...

* * *

Ehm... Yeah. I have a headache myself, so this'll have to do.  
See ya when 3's up!


	3. Announcements, lost and found

Started to write something 'serious' (Don't worry, not in here lol). Am feeling a lil' better, so updating now.  
Only took me like 5 days to get this done. Lmao. And still it's this short... Oh my.  
All my funnyness is going to Diary of a Deadman from now on.

Enjoy, R&R, flamers will be killed instantly by my private assassin... The Cerebral Assassin. (How come I never thought of that?)

* * *

_'__**-Important-  
**__We are in need of new private detectives because the previous ones are currently hospitalised. It appears someone made an attempt to take them out.  
__All of them are being observated because somehow they all went bald.  
__- Finlay'_

_'__**-Important 2-  
**__Forget the last note, it appears Big Show, Kane, Snitsky and Bubba have always been bald in the first place. My very reliable source told me it's because they wen't fishing in Canada and their hair froze off.  
__-Finlay'_

'Taker shrugged and re-read the message.  
"Who the hell is Snitsky?"

_'__**-Important 3-  
**__Several superstars and diva's are getting bored with their ringnames, so they will, in the upcoming month, try out different names.  
__Please address them with their newfound names, so they can find out whether they work for 'em or not.  
__Just to make sure you don't get confused, here's a list:_

_Chris Jericho becomes 'The Inventor because he invented the tv' (How come I never knew that?).  
__Kane becomes 'Cane' until Christmas.  
__CM Punk becomes 'CM Pothead' until he leaves rehab.  
__Melina becomes 'Anilem' because she's confused.  
__Santino Marella becomes 'San' because he keeps forgetting how to spell his name.  
__Jeff Hardy becomes 'Hardy Harr Harr' because he decided to dress like a pirate.  
__Matt Hardy becomes 'Matt Hairdye' because he's taking after his brother._

_-Finlay'_

"Matt Hairdye?" 'Taker mumbled. "Will he give me a discount if I need to dye my hair black again?"

_'**-Lost/Found/For Sale-**_

_Lost:  
Dignity. Seen it? Call Ken.  
__(Get it?! Haha. Call Ken.)  
__Ken._

_Lost:  
All of my damn toys, can't find barbie, my little pony, GI joe and my Sega back.  
__Found 'em? Call me.  
__Austin._

_Lost:  
My mind.  
__Years ago. So for once stop asking me 'Have you lost your mind?'  
__SHUT UP!  
__Kane._

_Lost:  
Bunchlax. (My cat)  
Reward for finding: Eh, you can have eh... My older brother of Destruction?  
__Kane again._

_Found:  
__Insanely huge collection of Smurfs action figures.  
__Are they yours? Better not come back to pick 'em up. Smurfs are lame, and if they're yours I'll make fun of you and your life will be even more miserable.  
__Yeah, I mean you Santino!  
__Matt H._

_Found:  
__Cat.  
__Looking for evil cat? Call me. And make it quick, that thing ate my mouse.  
__Y2J._

_For Sale:  
__Toys. Barbie, GI Joe and Sega.  
__Taker (who took your toys)'_

'**-Last but not Least-**

Thank you for reading WWE Revealed. Please remember to deliver new adds, stories and announcements in time if you want it to be in the next edition of WWE Rev.  
Until next time!  
-Ken and Finlay.'

Kane looked up confused when he saw his 'brother' closing in on him, looking pretty angry.  
"What?" Kane asked.  
'Taker pointed at the 'lost' add. "Bunchlax is lost, and if someone finds him you're giving me away as a reward?!"  
Kane sighed. "I know, I know, that was stupid..."  
"Damn right it's stupid!"  
"I know man..." Kane smirked. "Now nobody will bring Bunchlax back, it's not like they'd want to have you anyway."  


* * *

WHEEEE DONE! :D


End file.
